when i was just a kitten... i learned to cry alone. usually my tears flowed while others were fighting or otherwise not emotionally available - there wasn't ever anyone to go to when i was in need of comfort, now in my adult life i find that i go so far as to push away arms that seek to comfort... they seem mocking... somehow... a threat i have never known comfort. the only placidity i know well enough to ask for at all is solitude.
	and yes doll, yes... be sad for me here. be sad that so many arms that needed to hold me... for their own comfort... were cast off of me by demons as strong as the pain of a small child - the dark and wise hurting that resides in my eyes..... i have known the blackness of addiction. and i got the shakes bad baby bad... so bad... huddled in a safe place, hidden fetally she shuts her eyelids with the same ferocity possessed by a mid-afternoon sun beam... swaying - gently steady rocking to rocking
	fro - rocking - rocking whailing rocking oh Ohwwwwww OOOOOhWwaa mama it hurts it... mama it... mama... hurts mama hurts... it... mama hurts it... rocking herself into a deep calm dreamless place not sleep so much as tunnel tears roll voice is gone rocking rocking rocking then as the runnel subsides... and the air of october is
	soothing, cooling the pink fleshy mouth -snot smeared across the knees of her pants she rests her chin there and draws on the fall for strength to sleep now - she doesn't even need to stand - to move from here is to leave the peace i fought for such a bloody fucking battle - no. i want to sleep now here. i got the shakes baby bad. mama it hurts.                                                            7/30/00