when i was just a kitten...

when i was just a kitten...

i learned to cry alone. usually
my tears flowed while
others were fighting or
otherwise not emotionally
available - there wasn't
ever anyone to go to when
i was in need of comfort,
now in my adult life i
find that i go so far as to push
away arms that seek to
comfort... they seem
mocking... somehow... a threat
i have never known comfort.
the only placidity i know
well enough to ask for at all is


and yes doll, yes... be
sad for me here. be sad
that so many arms that
needed to hold me...
for their own comfort...
were cast off of me by
demons as strong as the pain
of a small child - the
dark and wise hurting that
resides in my eyes.....

i have known the blackness of
addiction. and i got the
shakes bad baby bad... so bad...

huddled in a safe place, hidden
fetally she shuts her eyelids
with the same ferocity
possessed by a mid-afternoon sun
beam... swaying - gently
steady rocking to rocking 
fro - rocking - rocking
whailing rocking oh
mama it hurts it...
mama it... mama...
hurts mama hurts...
it... mama hurts it...
rocking herself into a
deep calm dreamless place
not sleep so much as tunnel
tears roll voice is gone
rocking rocking rocking
then as the runnel
subsides... and the
air of october is
soothing, cooling the
pink fleshy mouth
-snot smeared across
the knees of her pants
she rests her chin there
and draws on the
fall for strength to
sleep now - she doesn't
even need to stand - to
move from here is to
leave the peace i fought
for such a bloody
fucking battle - no.
i want to sleep now here.

i got the shakes baby bad.
mama it hurts.

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