old writing... newly discovered

try to close your eyes 
and find the noise still rings
open them
find the darkness
it was there before
a door creaks open
boot hits wood
boot hits wood
boot - wood
boot - wood
boot -
boot -
boot -
wood -
wood -
door swings open - 
wood -
do not breathe, little one
sleep is near.

feb. 93

here i am
you've caught me,
and i've no reply
i've been trapped
nothing to say,
no where to run
- if i ran there
 would be no more
      you -
so i cringe
and wait
to see you laugh
to feel you scorn me
but i will never stop
           loving you
because i've brought it
              on myself
by no fault of yours
leave me now
to hide in shadows
   trapped within myself
you can never leave me
   the thought of you
will always keep me,

feb. 21, 95

in love
with someone i can never have
devoted to a futile cause
the effect is still in question
the answer yet unknown
how does she feel
i don't want to know
please tell me....
if it is hopeless
then i will know 
where i stand
in a pit
i will never see the top
only cringe here


what i want is nothing more
than to squeeze every thought out of your head
maybe i'll make wine.

feb. 95

don't think of me
to ease the other hurts
don't think of me 
to fill your time
don't think of me
when your heart is empty

i don't want to be there for you

i don't want to love you.

one day i could break,
just fall open at the seams
and you will judge me
but i couldn't stand that to happen
you are happy with the me you know
just don't try to crack my shell

i don't want to love you.

i want to stop
thinking you breathing you

don't think of me
and you won't hurt me.
mar. 95

crawl into the light
to stand in the path
turn into the moon
and realize the truth
you see your reflection
there in her face
and now know what it is 
you lack
- the strength to see in the night

sept. 95

as odd as odd
how they were horrible but...
they're all i've got
and all i      need?
deeply set in my subconscious
i don't even remember bigger things.
but now i wonder, 
wasn't everyone's childhood similar 
at one point or another?
that was such a small part of it
but it sticks out in my mind...
yet i'm not complaining, 
i'm not disturbed. i just repress anger
as i did when i was 5 - so long ago -
has it been so long? 
no, it was last night...only yesterday. 
i'll never forget (again)
the things that were said to me in the fall
in the back yard of all places of all faces
frowning he looked down on me took off the belt
with the eagle buckle it all seems 
like a nightmare i've woken from
but it was real, that day was imprinted
on my mind forever and on my ass for a few days
(it's not my fault! screams the child without a voice, 
a childless voice, i cant help it really i cant really) 
or something similar ran through my little head. 
silence held me hatred and fear have kept me warm and safe 
for so very, very long...
(no one's ever hit me before, am i that bad? 
i'll try i'll try i really will try to stop 
try so very hard just please please 
don't hit me 
i'll be better i really really will) 
fear makes me who i am the 
knowledge that i am unloved
and alone makes me so 
very self-reliant (even if 
i am only 5, even if i am 
such a horrible person for 
making a mistake i just
didn't want to leave my bed
didn't want to wake you
didn't see you standing there, 
holding an imaginary gun 
to my head) i screamed
and cried- nothing seemed to help the pain physical
and mental (you've always scared me you frighten me)
footsteps down the hall sure, i can do whatever i want, just
pay the price later seeing a bottle by the fire & two glasses 
THERE...!!! (it's only been 2 minutes, that's not fair, he said 5)
oh well, it's better now than then. it's hard to think. when 
i'm 5 again.

july 31, 91

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