Captain Picard was my OBGYN or "Where No Man Has Gone Before"

OK, right, so I go into this office,
and I'm thinkin'
"Why is there a picture of a man
Holding a fish in midair?"
Like the fish had a choice or something.
Is that a tuna?

Door flies open,
In walks a bearded doctor???
WHAT? OK.. um.. right..
I can deal.  Everything's cool.
Chit, chat.. this, that..
Is that a trophy of a tuna?

In another room
The dressing gowns
Are behind that screen
"To My Father" in cowboy boots
On the wall.
One wife, slightly pretty,
OK, it's cool, all right, I can deal.

Fighting off hyperventilation
I sit and wait.
Only a swinging paper door
Between my ass and the thin air.
Was that a fuckin' tuna on his wall?

Staring at the Vaseline
I hear the door slide open.
Doctor and nurse, great.
Put my feet WHERE???

No way man,
My knees don't spread any farther.
Rubber gloves snap into place.
What's my major???
My current major is
Avoiding a nervous breakdown,
Thanks for asking Dr. Fish-man.

Pre-heated spatulas, great.
I feel much fucking better now.
OK breathe breathe breathe
"Breathe, Miss, Breathe."
How can I possibly breathe
When you have your fish hook hands
in my ACK!!!

Ok... It's all over,
My ovaries seem to be a normal size
(But I've still got big balls).
Wait for results,
take these pills,

No, it's not a tuna,
It's a shark.